drained out and blinded

i realised how i've no been able to look at how beautiful mornings were.
i have not been able to admire the love and warmth around me.
i have not been able to immerse myself in every single happenings.
it is blinding me badly.every single second, im worrying and fearing.
this barrier in my life, in my mind, in my heart is killing me softly.. so silently yet so agonsingly.
it feels as if an unknown force is lifting me up and thrashing my whole body down on bard wires
and next pulling me up, tearing and melting my flesh away. and before i could even cry in pain, i was being thrown down onto that merciless barbed wire.
i hate to fear. i hate the feeling of my heart thumping so vigorously in dread and fear each day.
i feel absolutely disturbed. i can't concentrate. i can't put my heart in every single thing i do.
it's really a great mystery how my passion have turned into a devil, devouring every part of me bit by bit.
one month have passed, so slow and long.
it seemed as if i have just fought a battle of blood and lives, for years.
now im all weary and beat. how am i going to survive for another 4 months?
i've tried to be positive but i know im just fooling myself.
there were times i wanted to turn to someone, but what can the person do?
i know that it all lies on me, just me to overcome this barrier.
i've talked to my mom, my parents. i thank them for understanding and listening to me rant and even sometimes cry.
they told me to hang on, and ignore everything. they told me to just fulfil my duties till my "contract" ends.
what matters now is my studies and my mental condition.
i will be looking forward, to the day when i can break free.

keep me going
please.